Gypsyhawk: Noisecreep Tour Blog #5

Gypsyhawk are road warriors.

The SoCal metallers have been living in their crammed tour van for the past few months and are currently out on a U.S. tour with The Sword.

For the past few weeks, Gypsyhawk have been chronicling their travels for Noisecreep and today we're bringing you the fifth blog installment.

From Gypsyhawk guitarist Andrew Packer:

WEEK V

"We once had a bachelor party for Brasky. He ate the entire cake, before we could tell him there was a stripper in it." - SNL

And we're back. We start off this week's adventure in Atlanta. But let's not waste time talking about the show. It was great. Where the real story about Atlanta lies, is at The Clermont Lounge.

Bonnie: Jimmy was telling me how it was a strip club, but not. You had to check it out. There was no place like it. It was so divey and one of a kind. Like a circus act, or freak show.

Ian: Some of The Sword Guys were talking, like, there's this legendary place where strippers go to die.

Ron: The drinks were cheap and strong. I ordered a double whiskey and coke and she said 6 bucks. I thought she said 16 and that's what I was expecting.

Bonnie: I did not drink and it was still awesome.

Ian: So, I was asked, "hey, we're going to go down to this stripper place, do you think Ron is going to be ok?" And I was like, "Yeah, of course! Ron is going to love it!"

Ron: I don't remember too much about that particular night.

Bonnie: It was like a horseshoe bar. There was a little platform for them to dance. Not much room. There was a black light and they all had wigs.

Ron: There were a lot of rockers there. And a lot of chicks. A lot of hot chicks just hanging out and partying.

JD: I was just trying to talk to girls.

Ian: I was pretty tipsy by the time I got there so when I saw Honey Boo Boo on the stage I was pretty shocked, but I wasn't taken aback. It was gnarly.

Bonnie: This huge fat white chick. Old. They were all old, like pushing 50.

Ron: I'm not sure she was old. She was like my age. She was just fat.

Watch 'State Lines' Video

Brasky: I ended up picking up one girl to be my companion that night. And I'd like to clarify that she did NOT work there.

Ian: Well, the one chick was definitely Honey Boo Boo. And then there was Tina Turner. None of them had good boobs.

Ron: I'm convinced the second one was a man. With a wig and like, hormones to give her tits.

Bonnie: One tit was all saggy and the other was not saggy.

Ron: And "it" had like, no neck. "It" was like a box.

Bonnie: You couldn't see any of their pussies. It was just fat folds.

Ian: It was like, you could keep your panties on and I wouldn't fucking know. It just looked like two shoe strings on her muffin top.

Bonnie: Brasky got titty punched, like literally, by Tina Turner. Like actually wrapping her fist in her fucking saggy titty and beating the shit out of his face.

Ron: There was some really tall black chick with massive tits, and I go, "nice tits!" and so I touched them. She goes, "yeah they're nice, do you like them?" And I go, "you're not a guy, are you?" She goes, "no," and I go, "ok, I'm just checking. I'm at the Clermont Lounge. So, who knows?"

Bonnie: There was that one chick with really long hair and she had that pumpkin ass.

Ian: Like the post-Halloween, I'm-too-lazy-to take-my-2-week-old-pumpkin-off-the- front-porch ass.

Ron: Brasky was getting a lap dance and was teasing like he was going to slap her ass, so I went up and did it. I don't know if that caused trouble. I don't know if I got reprimanded by the staff or not. I kinda feel like I did. I'm not sure though. But it was part of the party.

Bonnie: Ian was just annoying the shit out of me. He got so drunk and wanted to go home. I was like, "what are you doing? This place is amazing. Everyone is having a great time. We're all drinking. Horrible strippers. Very entertaining. Playing very good music." It was AWESOME. And Ian was like, "Bonnie, I'm too drunk, I'm a nuisance, I'm falling down all over the place, take me home." I was like, "YOU'RE having a great time. Everyone ELSE is having a great time. Have another drink."

Ian: I don't remember any of the music.

Anything else of note?

Ian: I don't know, man. I don't know. Uh, well, I saw Brasky's balls. That was like a white sand desert ass with just two cherry tomatoes. I walked in on Brasky and the chick fucking and he just cloaks himself over her. I couldn't even see a single part of her. Not even a toe. I went up there because I figured I was sleeping in the room too, but then I saw his balls and realized I'm probably not going to sleep in that room tonight.

Well, that's the story of Atlanta. I don't think I'll even talk about Nashville, Memphis, Baton Rouge, or our 30 hour drive from Louisiana to L.A. They were all great shows and we had a blast every night, but, there's no point after that story. I'll just finish it by saying it was blast touring with Eagle Claw. They are some realest, illest dudes ever. They will be missed.

Hang in tight! We'll be back with our night at the House of Blues in Hollywood, 22 hour drive to Tulsa, OK, and Kansas City.