Metal Quiz: What Kind of Metalhead Are You?

It's not enough to self-identify as a metal head. You've also got to pick a faction. The subculture breaks down into dozens -- if not hundreds or even thousands -- of sub-subcultures, each with its own wardrobe, acceptable hair length and degree of thrashitude. To outsiders, these distinctions may seem arbitrary, but to the indoctrinated, they're the difference between squeezing into spandex and performing pagan rituals.

Not sure where you belong? We here at Noisecreep have developed a short questionnaire to point you in the right direction. While by no means comprehensive or scientific, this inventory will help you begin to answer that all-important question we all must ask ourselves: What kind of metalhead am I?

1. When you wake up on a Sunday morning, what's the first thing you do?

A. Look around for your bandana. It's got to be on the waterbed somewhere. Maybe under the zebra-print pillow. Bingo!

B. Contemplate heckling worshippers at your local church.

C. Go online to check the shipping status of your latest cymbal purchase.

2. Which of the following best describes your professional life?

A. Roofing, landscaping, carpentry -- honest blue-collar work that pays the bills, creates little stress and leaves plenty of time drinking, going to concerts, pumping iron at the gym and fixing up your motorcycle.

B. You'll work anywhere they let you come in late and keep to yourself.

C. Computer programming, which is pretty sweet, even if you've got to keep your hair in a ponytail.

3. If you were to win the lotto tomorrow...

A. Yearlong fishing trip off the Florida Keys. Just you, your lady, some Crue and some brews.

B. Material concerns are for the weak, but with this kind of scratch, you'd never want for black cloaks or corpse paint again.

C. Expand your drum kit to 74 pieces, upgrade your PC and order up all those Rush bootlegs you've been coveting.

4. What was the last great concert you saw?

A. The bassist from Winger -- or was it the guitarist from Warrant? -- has a new side project, and they totally killed at the local hole-in-the-wall rock club. Before that, Poison at your capital city's outdoor amphitheater, where you pre-gamed in the parking lot with Trish, the receptionist at your gym.

B. The band's name doesn't really translate from Norwegian to English, but roughly speaking, it's Hoof Prints Through Blood En Route to Damnation. They played in a cave at 2AM. Everyone wore black hoods. Beer was half-price.

C. Dream Theater on their Dramatic Turn of Events tour. Sprung for the long-sleeve tee at the merch booth.

5. How would you describe your ideal woman?

A. Part Lita Ford, part Tawny Kitaen, and two very specific parts Pamela Anderson, circa the Tommy Lee video. Also, she cooks lasagna.

B. Black hair, black heart.

C. Likes D&D and World of Warcraft. Socially liberal but fiscally conservative.

6. Your thoughts on Guns N' Roses?

A. Hell yeah! Bummer about Axl and Slash's beef, though.

B. Sorry, I don't listen to pop music.

C. It's pretty juvenile stuff, but 'November Rain' was OK.

7. Your drink of choice?

A. Bud, Coors -- whatever you got, bro.

B. Absinthe, mead, sacrificial blood.

C. A nice pinot, or if everyone is having beer, a micro-brew. It's never as good as the one you're making in the cellar, though.

8. In your opinion, music peaked in...

A. 1986.

B. Either 12th Century Norway or 1984, when Venom came out with 'At War With Satan.'

C. 1975

9. Someone questions your metal-ness. What do you do?

A. Fight in the parking lot, laugh about it later over beers. Maybe the guy will join your softball team?

B. Pumpkin with a knife through it on their front steps.

C. Offer to show them your Rush bootleg collection.

10. How much longer do you see yourself being a metal head?

A. Forever, brutha. Forever.

B. Until the authorities figure out what's happened to the Petersons' cat -- then you might have to give it up (and go away) for a while.

C. You're a lifer, but lately, you've been getting into jazz.

The results:

If you answered mostly A, you're a hair-metal dude, through and through. You take your style cues from Bret Michaels and still get a little misty when you hear 'Home Sweet Home.' You long for the days when music was fun, before Kurt Cobain and Radiohead came in and ruined everything. At least Diamond Dave is back in Van Halen.

If you answered mostly B, you're a black metal miscreant -- arguably the most feared type of metal head there is. You're not as villainous as Varg Vikernes, the Norwegian musician convicted of arson and murder, but you don't play by society's rules. You abhor religion and consumer culture and love Norse mythology and medieval lore. Metal isn't party music; it's a violent expression of the dark forces swirling inside of you. At least that was your quote in the high school yearbook.

If you answered mostly C, you're a prog-metal geek. You found Rush in high school and went down the rabbit hole with Queensryche, Liquid Tension Experiment, Tool, Tull -- anything with a complex musicianship and highly conceptual lyrics about the ancient past or distant future. You're obsessive about your music, and in addition to collecting records and memorabilia, you try in your spare time to master Neil Peart's drum solos. So long as your mother upstairs can tolerate the noise, you just might get there.